As I review in retrospect, especially when I was younger, I had a tendency to feel sorry for myself. I saw myself as a victim, and as such I presented myself in an attempt to get compassion, understanding, and of course I also aimed to strengthen those weaknesses.
One of the paradoxes of my life, is that at home I felt I was the black sheep and in other places, I felt like a queen. I recall being able to gather the kids at my aunt's neighborhood and make everyone wait eagerly for each word that came out of my mouth.
They were waiting for me and I was happy to come and be who I am. To feel special and talented, someone who's admirable. I loved the feeling. I told them stories, tall tales and legends.
They sat around enthralled, amused in fascination. And I was on top of the world! They accepted me and looked up to me because I was different from them. I was a girl who loved to make people laugh and entertain, brave and full of content that was completely foreign to them.
However, in my eyes they were closed minded, perhaps even a little robotic. They appeared to me, in a sense completely identical - a group of children ages ranging from 6-15. All Orthodox believing in the existence of God without any doubt, because that's what they were taught at school and at home.
They did not experience the mystery of my life at the time. I on the other hand, was not quite sure about the existence of a Higher power. I questioned everything.
At home, my mother was a religious woman where as my late father, who I perceived as more enlightened; Observant, but did not let religion control his life. Most of the kids my age with whom I have spent most of my time were atheists.
I remember the repeated arguments between some of my friends and me, when I zealously defended with full confidence, the existence of God. They were staring at me with disdain, grinning and treating me like someone who suffers from delusions.
When I was at my aunt's, uncle Shlomo and I were having heated arguments about God. I wanted to know why six million Jews were murdered in the Holocaust and asked where
was God ...
I remember I wasn't completely satisfied with the answers, because I still had doubts and continued to harass uncle Solomon, that really was not happy with the brazen girl who simply would not shut up.
I can safely say with hand on heart, I've always had a tendency to believe in the existence of a Higher power; Governing things out there in the sky. But my faith was not clean because it was mixed with fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of punishment for violations made, consciously and unconsciously.
Today I know that faith must be accompanied by a soothing sense of security. When I believe whole heartedly, fear does not exist, because there is no doubt.
"Whoever believes is not afraid". This is total faith.
God is with me everywhere, at every moment. Every movement, every flow is in my favor, and so I conduct myself.
When I go through rough times, I remind myself that good must come of it. Here in fact faith is tested. Of course it is easier to give in to the difficulty and sink in sorrow.
It is so easy to become angry and feel sorry for myself about how hard it is for me. But the very understanding and recognition that from every difficulty, from this utter darkness of the unknown, then breaks the light and paves the way, out of nowhere. From this point, I draw strength each time and again, yearning in anticipation for the next moment ...
That is how life is created every day life. That's how you have to experience each moment in every day, like a new island that has not yet been revealed in the wonderful ocean of life.
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
If this moved or touched you in any way please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings with me.
Love & Blessings
Yours Estee ❤️